last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
