If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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