i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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