Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
