Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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