Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
