Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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