I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
