We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
It's never too late to be topless.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
