my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
