oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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