I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
All the doctor said was why
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
