Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
