That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
