Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
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The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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