You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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