Just cropdusted the office
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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