Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
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