"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
