absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Randomize
