taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
