just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
