Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
