The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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