And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
