so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
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I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
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Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends