god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
