this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
