I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
