don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
