I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
