Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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