your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
