every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
