You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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