i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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