so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
