just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Randomize
