we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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