Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
