I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
