i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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