I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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