dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
