omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
