Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
