last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
