There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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