I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
