Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
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If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
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I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
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