i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
