Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
