Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
